IC # 2

Monday, Mar. 18, 2002 - 1:37 p.m.

IC #2

After a commercial break, Whoopi Goldberg reappears. During the interval, she has switched out of her nun's habit and is now sporting a sleek art-deco gown. Her cheeks are sucked in, and she's coiffed in a red wig.

The audience explodes with laughter after she begins to speak and they realize that she is doing a spot-on imitation of Dame Maggie Smith in Gosford Park.

"Here from the Heart of Texas, via a circumlocution to the Tarts and Vicars Party to the new Kodak pavilion, to present the award for best screenplay based on adapted material is Renée Zellweger. Accompanying her is the man who IS here, Billy Bob Thornton ," announces Whoopi in a veddy veddy snotty English accent.

Renée looks ravishing in a daffodil hued gown. She has lost 40 pounds since shooting Bridget Jones's Diary and puffy girls all over America breathe a sigh of lamentation.

BILLY BOB: (quietly, intensely) "You look ok, Renée. Not as good as my ravishing wife, Angelina, but very good for a girl and all that."

RENEE: (perkily) "I hear you just adopted a baby boy, Billy Bob. You must be thrilled."

BILLY BOB: "Look, here's the flagon with his urine, here's the pestle with his poop and here's the bracelet with his blood."

WHOOPI: (hisses from the side-lines) "No ad-libbing you guys!"

RENEE: (looking smart and professional, gazing at audience beseechingly): "'Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo,' as Groucho Marx wrote 70 years ago.

(she pauses for appropriate audience laughter)

BILLY BOB: William Faulkner, a screenwriter who won the Nobel Prize said that "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail." (squints at tele-promper). In these sorryful months following the atrocities of last September, we must keep these inspirational words in mind."

(shuffles about nervously)

RENEE: From the comic to the serious, from the epic to the lyrical, from the sublime to the ridiculous, writers are the sine qua non upon which Hollywood depends.

BILLY BOB: Us actors really need good writers. Writers also need us actors. I love you Angelina! And our little baby too!

WHOOPI: (a slight hiss in the direction of Billy Bob, a nod of approbation to Renée)

RENEE: And the nominees are:

Akiva Goldsman for "A Beautiful Mind"

Daniel Clowes and Terry Zwiggoff for "Ghost World"

Rob Festinger and Todd Field for "In the Bedroom"

Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, and Peter Jackson for "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"

Miss Charlotte Throckmorton for "Being Meg Probst."

Will you do the honors, Billy Bob?

BILLY BOB: (kisses the envelope): And the Oscar goes to Miss Charlotte Throckmorton for the adapted screenplay, "Being Meg Probst."

The music swells.

Miss Throckmorton, who has unwisely decided to adapt a Jennifer Garner look for the evening and donned a waist-length bright henna wig, stumbles to the stage.

MISS THROCKMORTON:

Thank you, thank you, academy and voters. I know that my time is limited and I have a lot of people to thank. Firstly, our producer, Andrew, of Diaryland Artists Inc. who was sage enough to invest in a small, edgy indie film. Secondly, our director, Todd Solendz, who never tosses pap at a plebian populace. I must thank the actors who performed miracles: Robert Downie Jr. as Jeff, Seth Green as Scott, and Jered Leto as Chris. How can I ever thank you enough? I reserve a special little aria of praise to our leading actor, Eliza Dushku, who took on the challenging role of Meg Probst. I thank you all for your dedication.

MUSIC: Swells

WHOOPI: (appears again, this time dressed like Satine in "Moulin Rouge." She kicks up her leg, in fishnet stockings and starts mouthing Elton John's "Your Song" at Miss Throckmorton. Whoopi knows that they need to drag Miss Throckmorton off the stage since it's time to call on the dubious duo, Winona Ryder and Meg Ryan, who have been matched to give out the award for Best Costume Design). Winona and Meg are shaking in the Green Room. This is an important moment in their Hollywood Rehabilitation.

MISS THROCKMORTON: (continues in saxophone tones) Most of all, the greatest degree of gratitude I have is to Meg Probst. She inspired the film, "Being Meg Probst;" it would have been impossible without her. Avanti, Megissimma!

Tottering off the stage she notices an odd tag on Winona Ryder's gown.

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